Why I won’t accept your kids friends requests

 

 

Every week I get new friend requests from one of my friends’ children.

“I’m so sorry little Johnny…

*POW!* DENIED & BLOCKED!”

 

Facebook age requirement is 13. My requirement is 18! Ain’t no fruit snacks and video games here. Unless that’s what you want to call edible underwear and naked twister!

 

Think about it…

Why exactly is your child on Facebook?

Have y’all been on Facebook? It’s dark over here! Full blown circus sideshow! Our featured attractions are the keyboard warriors that can’t spell!

There is absolutely nothing on Facebook that attracts kids.

Oh wait!… There’s some Spongebob memes!

No.. wait….

That one says Mr. Krabs is Pearl’s sugar daddy. Please tell me how you explain a “sugar daddy” to a child! Mr. Krabs looks nothing like the sugar daddy candy.

 

Does your child know what a hoe, pimp, whore, prostitute, etc. is?

Better have your dictionary ready!

Can’t rub sugar across dirty sex. Well, you can, but it wouldn’t be beneficial to this situation.

Does that sweet child light up when you mention Santa?

ANNKKKK!!

SLAP THAT EXCITEMENT STRAIGHT OFF YOUR KID’S FACE!

Ain’t no magical shit over here. Facebook is the real OG! I’m sure that your kid’s imagination will run wild with the pictures of Mrs. Claus sucking candy canes straight from Santa’s lap.

 

Have you explained mental health to your child?

Facebook is the biggest nut hut in the world! You don’t want your kid learning these issues on Facebook. This could be very damaging to their own mental health.

 

Can’t talk no shit on the Book either!

Can’t bitch about them playing Fortnite. Can’t complain about their asshole ways.

You can’t whisper here.

No mumbling “little assholes” under your breath. You got to be proud, and dedicated to making it nice and comfortable for them here on Facebook.

I personally love the embarrassing kid stories!

You wouldn’t tell me Sally shit herself in Walmart and flushed her pants down the toilet in front of her right?

Nooooo.

Sally is a perfect child now.

How many curse words does your child know?

They will learn so many bad words here that they start making up their own.

“This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s.”

They can make any status they want…

They can post any picture they want.

You’ll be scrolling your newsfeed and POW!… a picture of you sitting on the toilet.

 

Potential status:

“Momma just got pulled over by the cops. She was speeding ‘cause she had to poop really bad.”

“Daddy spanked Momma on the butt in the kitchen.”

“We had cereal for supper again.”

 

 

Your child is probably going to see a woman doing unusual things to a horse. You can’t stop it. We have all been forced to see it. I still don’t understand why people hack someone’s Facebook to post disturbing porn. They can do that from their own page.

Be prepared for these potential questions/comments.

 

Question/comments:

“Why does Bob’s mom like being choked?”

“Danny’s dad sure does like those women in bathing suits riding motorcycles.”

“Uncle Dave went to jail last night, meth sounds pretty bad.”

“You said the zoo was closed today!”

“You went to lunch while I was at school?”

“Joe’s mom just ordered some big chains today. I wonder how big their new dog is going to be.”

“Carl’s dad has a bedroom swing! Please take me over there to play on it!”

“Joe’s dad has handcuffs. I didn’t know he was a police officer.”

“Why don’t you have your shit together. You said it on Facebook, I didn’t.”

 

Bottom line..

Facebook is the only aspect of my life that isn’t censored for children. I’m going to post anything I want on Facebook.

 

I block your kids for their own well-being.

I could give no shits and let them see all of my inappropriate posts, but I refuse to.

Everyone knows that I love kids. I’ll do whatever I can to protect your child’s innocence.

I want them to be kids as long as possible. It would completely destroy me to know a child doesn’t believe in Santa anymore, because of ME.

I don’t want to teach any child bad stuff. They don’t have to be subjected to adult behavior. They don’t need to know about adults’ personal life.

LET THEM BE LITTLE!!!!

Please monitor your child’s social media. This world is full of sick individuals. Kids are easily manipulated. Check their newsfeed to make sure it’s not full of filth. Check over their friends list.

It’s your responsibility to keep your child safe online.

Don’t be neglectful and let something terrible happen.