Ever since Anna was a toddler, she was always intrigued by ladybugs. We have told her time after time that they are going to bite her. She says “they just don’t like y’all”.
Each one of her “pet” ladybugs has its own home (LoL doll balls). She gets them out daily so they can “get exercise” by crawling all over her. They get water and leaves twice a day. Of course they always die after a couple of days (or when she tries to keep them warm by sitting it in front of the heater, roasting it like a chestnut).
She picks her “pets” very carefully. She starts by putting a bunch into a jar together. She leaves the lid off overnight so “they can leave if they want to” the ladybugs that choose to stay is her new “pets”.
Her most recent loss (the roasted one) was named Jessi. We was talking about what she could name this 378,852,489th ladybug. I asked her what gender it was. She wanted her daddy to google it. Below is the information he found. (Of course he skips over the ladybugs love making skills.)
We still had no idea what freaking gender this ladybug or manbug was. Me and Anna decided it was gender confused. She picked Jessi because it’s neutral. Anna gets Jessi ready to go on an adventure with her to the doctor. Fresh water ✔️ Food ✔️ Seat belt securely fastened✔️ Off we go…
I’m signing her in at the front desk when the receptionist asked Anna how she was doing.
Anna- “Do you like ladybugs?”
Lady- “noooo they bite!”
Anna- “They don’t like Momma either. Want to know it’s name?”
Lady- “What’s her name?”
Anna- “Well actually it’s gender confused. That’s why I named it ‘Jessi’.”
Lady- “Hmm!… Well I like the name.”
Next we engage with the nurse:
lol
Anna- “Do you like ladybugs?”
Nurse- “Yea they just drive me crazy.”
Anna- “Have you ever got bit by one?”
Nurse- “I had one crawl under my shirt while I was sleeping. It bit me 3 times! I swatted it off of me and accidentally squished it! It smelled horrible. I had to get up in the middle of the night to wash my hand.”
Anna- “ Ohhh wow! Was yours a girl or boy? Mine is gender confused.”
Nurse- awkwardly giggles I think mine was a girl ‘cause use you know they are called lady bugs. (winks at Anna.)
Anna- “Not all of them are girls. It has to be boys in order for them to have babies.”
Nurse-“ ya know what? Your right. The doctor will be in shortly.”
The lovely doctor comes in…
Doctor- “How are you, Annamarie?”
Anna- “Do you like ladybugs?”
Doctor- “I sure don’t. It hurts when they bite!”
Anna- “I guess I’m the only one in the world that ladybugs actually like. I have never been bitten and I catch a lot of them.”
Doctor- “You’re lucky!”
Anna- “Nahhh I’m not lucky. They just really like me. Do you know how to tell if they are boys or girls?”
Doctor- “I’m not sure.”
Anna- “I don’t either. Google doesn’t make sense. I’m just going to call it Jessi. I don’t know if it has a penis or a (awkwardly learns towards her and whispered) ya’ know what. It’s gender confused.”
Doctor- (Eyes wide) “Gender confused? Well, ain’t that something?”
Time to visit our favorite pharmacy ladies:
Lady #1- “Annamarie! How are you sweetheart?!”
Anna- “Want to see my lady bug? It’s not dead. It’s sleeping.”
Lady #2- “Girllll it’s gunna bite you!”
Anna-(sigh) “I don’t believe they bite. I’ve never been bit. I had this one lady bug named Joe who’s wing was broken. I didn’t keep in a ball. I let him just live on my arm. Maybe people should be nicer to them so they won’t bite them.”
Lady #3- (From the back of the store) You can have all the ladybugs at my house. They are everywhere!”
Anna- ”Can we go NOW? I need to do research on their private parts!”
(The room goes silent..)
Lady #2- (busts out uncontrollably laughing) “You are something else Annamarie!”
Lady #1- (hands her two toy ladybugs.) “Maybe these will help in your research.”
Lady #2- “Check it’s private parts!”
(Room bursts out in laughter!)
Anna- (Flips over the toy ladybugs. She’s DEEP in this toys hoo-ha!” “There’s a hole but I think that’s for a pencil. (Looks closer) I wonder where they pee from? Do they have a butt? I knooooow they poop.”
(Laughter erupts again.)
We said our goodbyes, buckled Jessi in his car seat, and off again. I really don’t want to go anywhere else with this child and her gender confused ladymanbug but I had to get gas.
Gas station attendant smiles at Anna:
Anna- “Do you like ladybugs?”
(I mentally scream. If I gotta here this one more time I’m gunna go full short bus retarted!)
Gas station attendant- “Do you have one in that ball?”
Anna- (proudly) “I do. Want me to show you?” (Unscrews the ball…)
Gas station attendant.”It’s gunna bite!”
(I mentally scream again just wanting one to actually bite her so she will accept the devastating reality and move on with her life.)
Anna- (Picks Jessi up, turns it over, and is staring closely at its ”nether regions”.) “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?” (Reaches out for her to take a look too.)
Gas station attendant-(actually freaking looks) “I honestly have no idea!”
By this time I’m waiting on this gas station attendant to focus her attention on the register so I can get this gender neutral ladybug home. Anna has this woman clinging to her every word.
Me- “Lawd child you can look at the ladybugs crotch when you get home.”
Anna- “Fine. (looks at the lady) It’s gender confused. I just want to find out what it actually is. I wish it could talk.)
Me- “If your ladybugs start talking about penis and vaginas I’m gunna need them to start paying rent.”
The gas station attendant and two other customers Snickered. As we are walking out the door Anna quickly turns around and eagerly says “Wait! One of them might know!” I quickly shuffle her out the door to the car!
We arrive home. Anna puts Jessi in front of the heater to warm up. Still inside this ball by the way. She runs off to play. I keep glancing over at that ball seeing it get steamier and steamier.
Me- “What’s that terrible smell? It’s like cooked ladybugs!”
(Anna runs full blast to that ball!)
Anna- (hands in the air sitting on her knees like she’s mad at the holy ladybug goddess) “Noooooo my research is ruined! I’ve got to find more! Help me look momma!”
I actually agree to freaking help this child. The entire time she’s asking to go to the pharmacy lady’s house to get some. We end the day with no lady bugs and a steamed broccoli-looking Jessi.
Conclusion:
This child won’t stop until she can physically see a ladybug’s private parts. She will forever violate ladybugs. I have to bare witness to all this scandalous ladymanbugs research stage my daughter is currently in. So, to put a conclusion on that conclusion, the 2 month-old is going to die if she doesn’t see a ladymanbug’s penis.
BaHaBritter 